Mum's reading a magazine article in which Elton John claims that he could have ended-up like Whitney Houston. Gran says why, if that's the case, did he choose to be fat, four-eyed and balding? Dave says she's got a point. Being surrounded by this amount of thickness is truly terrifying.

Mum just asked Dave's weird girlfriend, Sharon, if she still does exorcisms. She says she does, but only if she's not busy with her hairdressing. Apparently mum is concerned about dad's ever-expanding belly. She thinks it might be inhabited by an evil spirit. I suspect she's being sarcastic. It's hard to tell with mum sometimes.

Staring at the colour blue during sex, according to dad's Big Book of Facts, is meant to greatly increase the intensity of a person's orgasm. Dave says this may explain why he's always had an urge to fuck a smurfette. Gran, to break the awkward silence that has developed in the wake of Dave's revelation, has started to hum The Smurf Song. It's not helping.