Polar bears can eat up to 86 penguins in one sitting. Dave, never one to backdown from a challenge, is currently on his twelfth. I don't think he quite gets it.
I'm at Dave's. Sharon's here too. She just took a photo of her breakfast and is now tweeting it to her followers. I find this slightly odd. Sharon says it's not as odd as some of the pictures that Dave's tweeted recently. She has a point. Last week I saw him taking a photo of some white dog poo. He claimed it was rare and therefore warranted tweeting. I've decided not to follow either of them.
Dad's dull mate, Geoff, was here earlier. He was droning on and on about his new laminated flooring. Gran, at one stage, said that laminated boring didn't appeal to her. She later admitted that the Freudian slip contained within her statement was indeed premeditated. I'm no expert on Freud, but I'm almost sure that a slip spoken with intent is not a slip at all.
Dad is refusing to clean the toilet. He says he's left a skid mark in the pan that looks remarkably like John Lennon. Something similar to this happened last year where he inadvertently produced an image of Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet. Thankfully the local paper wasn't interested. The last thing anyone needs to see over their cornflakes in the morning is dad's faecal related art.
Dave's fuming. He says I've let him down big time. I haven't at all. I stood in (at a moments notice may I add) for the goalkeeper of his Sunday league football team. Until today, according to Dave, they were doing quite well. It's hardly my fault that the pitch is surrounded by an area of such natural beauty. I still can't quite believe that I actually saw a red squirrel! This is very exciting as there's only believed to be 140,000 in the whole of Britain. Luckily I had my phone with me during the match and was able to capture a few images of it. There's also several close-ups of a football.
Mum was asked to leave her place of work yesterday. Apparently there was a fire-drill. I wouldn't be surprised if the request was racially motivated. Sadly there's a lot of prejudice around here and some of it is aimed at orange people. Dad says her fake tanning regime is getting totally out of hand. Gran agrees. She says it must be like being married to a satsuma.
The window cleaner is flirting with mum again. Gran just asked dad if their behaviour makes him jealous. He says it doesn't because he's not at all attracted to the window cleaner. I must have done something pretty awful in a former life to deserve relatives as thick as this.
Gran doesn't hold with these 'new fangled' funerals where everyone wears bright colours and celebrates the life of the deceased. She says when she dies we're all to wear black, look suitably somber and cry a lot. I'm worried about the latter. Like dad, I don't cry easily. Mum says when it's time to mourn for gran I should maybe recall how I felt after accidentally dropping my iPhone 4S into the toilet. I was, admittedly, inconsolable... It pains me to admit it, but I think she could be onto something.
The Titanic is featured heavily in the news today. It's one hundred years since it sank. I just asked gran if she can remember where she was during that fateful day. I sometimes forget that she's not quite that old.
Sharon, Dave's girlfriend (28), says she can remember where she was. She would. Apparently, in a former life, she was Kate Winslet's wardrobe assistant. I've tried explaining that Ms. Winslet wasn't actually on the Titanic and that all this psychic nonsense has to stop. Dave says Sharon has 'the gift'. He says that once a spirit is flowing through her it can't be stopped. Mum and gran agree. They say I'm only jealous because, according to mystic Shaz, I was merely a muck fly in a former life. Dad says I cant have been as they're still alive and are currently working on their next album. I suspect he's thinking of McFly.
A man's body has been found in a blue wheelie bin at the end of our street. Dad says he doesn't know what the world's coming to. Gran agrees. She says everyone should know by now that the blue wheelie bins are for cardboard and paper.