I just heard that Facebook are buying Instagram for six million pounds, Munky. Would you agree that this is a little excessive?
Dear Kirsty, I am utterly bewildered as to why Facebook would pay such a price. I myself recently purchased the aforementioned app for just 69p. Some people obviously have far more money than sense!
Is it true, Munky, that the average fast food consumer will inadvertently digest twelve pubic hairs a year?
Dear Harriet, I have consulted my 'Big Book of Fast Food' and can confirm that the statistic of which you speak is indeed true. Why-on-earth these people feel the need to store fast food in their underwear is quite frankly beyond me!
My girlfriend suffers from a rather unusual form of OCD. She is regularly compelled to stroke my penis for a certain amount of time and is unable to leave the house until the ritual has been completed. What can we do?
Dear Steve, Forgive my ignorance... But I fail to see the problem here?
Is it true, Unkle Munky, that there's more chance of dying whilst on your way to buy a lottery ticket than there is of actually winning it?
Dear Derek, I can confirm that the odds you refer to are correct. You can of course solve this problem by sending a family member or friend out to buy the ticket in question.
Dear Munky, You recently advised that couples should never go to bed on an argument. My wife and I have not slept for three days. We are exhausted. Surely there must be a clause for those who cannot resolve their differences within a twenty four hour time period?
Dear Wayne, I must insist that you follow my counsel to the letter. Going to bed on an argument can give rise to all kinds of bad shit. Good day!
My boyfriend has given me a tortoise for Valentine's Day. I don't know what to make of it, Munky. Can you help?
Certainly, Carol. Simply crack open the shell, scoop out the innards and hey presto! A beautiful ashtray.